CHRISTMAS IN JULY
A.F.I.  brings a blast of air conditioning to the soul with "December Underground"   

 

The jury is still out as to what history will look back upon as the 'Soundtrack to Summer 2006.'  In a world where there are more media choices than ever to provide access to art, culture and music; it is difficult to find consensus on what is  "The Best of The Best."  This is a good thing, because after all, the wonder of art is simply that every single person is going to perceive a work of art differently.    

Step back to 2003:  My friend Blake told me about a band named, A.F.I. (A Fire Inside). Trusting his musical suggestion, I went to Wal-Mart (forgive me) and picked up their newest CD at the time, "Sing The Sorrow."  I was very impressed.  Who was this deliciously dark band that seemed to shoot a positive light directly into my heart?  Why had I not heard of this band with several titles behind them until now?  Without getting too deeply involved in these questions, I just made peace with myself and knew that I had a new band in my arsenal of trusted and vital music.   The band was coming to town at a small club, and the pursuit of tickets began.  The show was an instant sell-out, and by the time the show came, Blake's and my friend Kenny was on the street trying to buy a scalped ticket to the show.  Us thirty-somethings were surrounded by 1000 teen-somethings for what I considered to be an absolute awakening experience that landed somewhere between "Nightmare Before Christmas," and what I always hoped church would provide; but didn't.  

Fast forward back to 2006:  A.F.I.'s latest album, "December Underground," entered the Billboard charts at number one.  The band's eighth full-length album has been much anticipated for several years due much to the legion's of "Despair Faction" (A.F.I's fanclub) loyalists and general music fans throughout the world who caught a taste of the Platinum selling "Sing the Sorrow," which broke A.F.I. into a broader fan base.  

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE DIRECTOR'S CUT OF "MISS MURDER."    I will not go so far to say that "December Underground," is the best album ever.  That statement is going to be relative to one's situation.  But, I can say that for me, this new offering has blasted me with hope that in today's cluttered musical environment an artist can grow, develop, evolve and still build a fan base.  I can say that this is some of the most deliciously listenable music that I have heard from any genre in quite some time.  

"decemberunderground is a time and a place. It is where the cold can huddle together in darkness and isolation. It is a community of those detached and disillusioned who flee to love, like winter, in the recesses below the rest of the world."-Davey Havok  

"December Underground," breaks the furnace of 100 degree summer by taking it's listeners on a trip straight to an icy cave with "Prelude 12/21."  It is the perfect entry into a world of love, suicide, mystery, pain and redemption.  Vocalist Davy Havoc goes to new levels by maintaining the drilling trademark cries of earlier offerings by placing them melodically within the context of songs such as, "Miss Murder," which is quickly becoming a huge international hit.   

It is not uncommon for an alternative/punk/underground band to get poor reviews from it's fan base when it moves to broader sounding production and elements.  But, for A.F.I., adding a few keyboards, stronger background vocals (the enlistment of Chris Lord-Alge as mixer on several of these tracks was a perfect match) and deeper lyrical punch has shown a maturity in equal measure to where their fan base is in life.  A.F.I. is doing what most artists fail even to recognize:  Growing with their fan base and reflecting that dimension back to the fans.  This is called being relevant.

A.F.I.'s ability to defy the darkness by recognizing it and staring it square in the face has a direct relation to the loyal embracement provided them by the group's fans.  This music isn't about fixing life or holding out faith that the tooth fairy will come to provide us payment for our decay.  This music is a tunnel to peace, which it seems more and more people are discovering in spite of their rearing.  Peace, found simply in recognizing that life is filled with workable problems and that labeling things and situations we don't have answers for as sin or waiting for a ghost to come and fix them isn't necessarily the path to health.  

Expect this album to take at least two years to cycle through the music culture.  With sure-to-be-future hits like "Love Like Winter," "The Killing Lights," and "Summer Shudder," A.F.I. has enough material to tour, elicit airplay and garner new fans for quite some time.  

This is great, clean family listening material for everyone.  Enjoy a wonderful present under the July Christmas tree.  Enjoy A.F.I's "December Underground."    

"I flee to decemberunderground. As you exhale, I breathe in the water underground and I'll grow pale without you" -"The Interview," AFI                                                                                                

 

 

WHY I HAPPILY BLAME BUSH

Anti-Christ: In Christian eschatology, the Antichrist has come to mean a person, image of a person, or other entity that is the embodiment of evil and utterly opposed to truth, while convincingly disguised as wholly good and a bringer of truth. (THANK YOU WIKIPEDIA)


Ah, the good ole Anti-Christ. A quite harrowing fellow as depicted in wonderful family films like the Omen Trilogy. For me, the most wonderful depictions of our devilish friend, who might come knocking on our door via any number of means (including a laser show that beams all across the world-yes, I did read this once), came through the celluloid pleasures of Christian film in the 70's. Let's see, "Thief in the Night" was the most popular, then we had, "The Beast," and a slew of fearful horror flicks that ended with a nice, warm family oriented invitation to accept a free ticket to avoid such horrors such as the inability to buy food, not being able to die even when you wanted, and my favorite, hellish torture.

Then there was the great happy feeling of Christian urban legend. This came in the form of some pretty creative stories. The one I recall most was some 78th party or so removed depiction of how one time some guy was preaching at church. He sensed evil in the sanctuary, rebuked it and told it to "get out in Jesus name." Then the 78th party or so removed character in this story heard the back door of the church closing, he turned around just to see a devil's tail sliding out the door. Whew. That's some scary shit.

As I walked through my childhood, I never really could square the Anti-Christ with reality. I thought I did, and I believed it, but it really just caused a bunch of confusion that I didn't understand at the time.

For instance, after my family abandoned me on a nice Saturday during an "unexpected" visit from Pastor J.D. Cooper, I was scared shitless into the conviction that I should walk the aisle the following day and accept Christ. I really don't know who initiated this "happenstance" visit, but I do have my ideas. I can't really remember anything Pastor Cooper said, but what registered in my mind was, "You are going to hell, get with the program and get saved." Pretty nice lesson for an 11 year old.

You see, I was late. All of my brothers had already accepted Jesus. Most of them during the ceremonial, southern baptist walk of the aisle where you can get "2 for 1" by joining the church and accepting Jesus at the same time. I remember the walk. I was included. But being the youngest, I had no idea what was going on. No one sent me the memo. Therefore, I just followed along. But I knew that something was wrong. I was different. Something that happened to everyone else did not happen to me. The entire environment of our home changed. My oldest brother enrolled at a baptist university in Oklahoma. My parents dumped the liquor cabinet down the sink. My brothers joined youth choir, and everyone went to church Sunday morning, evening, and sometimes Wednesday night (sidenote: I actually liked Wednesdays for a while. It was Royal Ambassadors night where we got to do cool things like bring our football card collections. And the guys who taught it weren't always teaching some canned script from the vatican, I mean the southern baptist quarterly).

Those crazy looking girls on "Laugh-In" were replaced by the Mott Sisters. Even at a young age I knew that Paula, the oldest of the Mott sisters was the hottest. Herb Alpert and Hank Thompson were joined by Evie.

My mortally-coiled soul was embroiled in a puzzle of sin at age 11. More importantly, I was not one of the club. And even more importantly, if other kids my age, pillars of faith like John Ellis, Danny Farmer and Scott Seyfert had already accepted Jesus, why hadn't I. And to take it one step further, little Timmy Suttle and Ben Wedge walked the aisle and accepted Jesus. THEY WERE ONLY 7. What was wrong with me for not accepting Jesus yet.

Pastor J.D. Cooper's vist to "discuss" my eternal future didn't register as an offer of Jesus's peace, love, and guiding light for life, but basically as a membership to a club that would save me from hell, and the furies of the Anti-Christ. Couple that incident with period films like, "Thief in Night," "The Omen, (which was much better than any of the Christian films), and just the fact that every night Walter Cronkite was showing us graphics of how many more bombs the Soviets had than the U.S.A., and one might understand why a 10 or 11 year old would want to avoid these situations if there is a way.

Top this wonderful dish with the feelings of exclusion and not fitting in, and one can see how accepting Christ might be a good move for a little sinner such as I.

Well, to make a long story short, I accepted Christ the next day. Everything changed. Not! I want to say that the decision to walk the aisle changed everything, and I have believed that it did for most of my life. But the reality is it didn't. NOTE: For those of you worried about my soul, please don't. You see, when I think of Jesus, I see nothing but peace and love. And, according to the southern baptists, once a person is saved they are always saved. Therefore, I should be alright in the end.

God is not a scary God. Selling fear and paranoia in the name of God is not holy. It is confusion. Today we still see the same things: Fear, paranoia, and the good ole attitude of "You better get ready, cuz the train is comin'".

I believe that we are witnessing one of the closest resemblences to the spirit of Anti-Christ as described in the bible, today. It is exhibited not in just one man, but a philosophy and ideology. I am not saying that this one person is the Anti-Christ incarnate. But, if one takes seriously the bible and these stories, the general description of the philosophy of Anti-Christ is arguably present in our western world.

Earlier today as I felt the fury of nature rip through middle-Tennessee in the form of tornadic storms, I read some e-mails from differing family members. These notes stemmed from an e-mail someone sent out that reported an incident in Texas where an outreach to Katrina victims, an offer for gainful appointment did not produce any results or response.

The responses to these e-mails were mixed, but mainly a "don't blame Bush," approach.

My thought response to this dialogue follows. Enjoy:


WHY I HAPPILY BLAME BUSH:

"I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices son They're one in the same, I must isolate you...Isolate and save you from yourself ... " (Lyrics from "Lullabye" A Perfect Circle)

Personally, I will happily stand up and blame Bush, and every person who voted for him because, "He's a Christian," "He's a good man," and "He's a great leader" and "He has the country's best interests at heart" or any other reason that has turned out to be absolutely diametrically opposed to his actions while in office. Oh yeah, my favorite is "He represents conservative family values." And I can't resist: "He's fiscally responsible." One more: "He loves Jesus."

Here's why I blame Bush: He is the figurehead of an anti-Christ mentality that from day one has used ideology to push an agenda that is much deeper than any one person can enact. It has nothing to do with his personal decision making authority or about how the government works. From the bottom line of decision making (the voting booth) to the top (Bush himself), this administration has been riddled with insanity. It also doesn't have anything to do with him being, or not being "a good man." The aftermath of Katrina is just one small example of this administration's ineptitude.

To be fair, every administration since the inception of our Country has exhibited some sort of craziness. This administration has gone over the edge, representing not the people, but an ideology. Bush endeared himself to the minority of voters (which I still haven't figured out how a minority can elect the power in a democracy. But my new friends who live in Tehran have been shedding some light on the subject for me), by speaking direct and manipulated language to a specific belief system. He has linguistically attached meanings to words that push this agenda. Iraq=terrorism, Jesus=republican, democrat=unpatriotic, bring our troops home = unamerican, christian=patriot, muslim=terrorist, etc..., etc....

As a result, Bush (which I am using simply as a title for the white, republican evangelical thought complex) is able to do whatever the hell he wants with no accountability. And, any time the pressure gets a little high, he pulls out his famous trump card of 9/11.

I'm sick of people pointing out those who abuse the system, such as some displaced Katrina evacuees, as representative of everyone. OH, my God, only 1 person looked for a job in Austin. WERE YOU FREAKING THERE? And what if that is the case (that only 1 person showed up for a job fair). I mean what the hell are you saying?: "Oh, those hurricane victims are nothing but black, lazy ass democrats who support Ray Nagin!"????> I mean come on. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SAYING BY POINTING THESE THINGS OUT?????

TELL ME! WHY IS IT SO DAMN IMPORTANT TO POINT THAT STUFF OUT?

And we wonder why there is divisiveness? It's because everybody that was impacted by Katrina isn't like that. And folks are tired of this extreme pigeonholing. That extreme pigeonholing is a classic example of this administration's TRACK RECORD. It is a classic example of how ideology survives only when there is a side to make WRONG. And when people are continued to be told they are on the side of wrong, knowing full well that they aren't, they will fight back.

I don't have anything against people who believe differently than me. But to say that because you believe differently from me, you are wrong and it should be pointed out as so, is ideological. And that is exactly why I blame Bush. Democracy does not survive on ideology.

Bush and his movement convinced people that he was one thing, while he is very much something else. If any one still holds a shred of belief that some of the bible stories are true, please think back to those stories in Revelation about the Anti-Christ. The end times come and lies are presented like the truth. Well, those stories are ringing a bit too familiar to me with the continued lies, manipulation and obvious actions of this administration. I am grown up now, and am beginning to recover from childhood domestication.

The whole Bush mentality is a quite valid dream that anyone on the earth has the right to live (unless you live in Nigeria). It doesn't mean it's right. And the cornerstone of the Bush mentality is that IT IS RIGHT. There is no flexibility, no room except to make an opposing view wrong. This is why people like myself speak out on this subject. Not to say that the Bush mentality doesn't have a place, or that a person isn't free to subscribe to it. But the issue with it is it's requirement to be right and everything else that doesn't square with it is wrong. That is not how the universe works. This type of ideology causes the wars of the world (Once again, if you would like to have a good example of this, I would be more than happy to connect you with my friends who live in Iran), disappointment, and the ultimate last action of great civilizations: bankruptcy (or financial failure).

Therefore, I blame Bush. When we were domesticated as children, we were shown films and told very scary stories about how in the end times there would be a "mark of the beast", and the anti-christ would come. I saw movies where people had to take a "666" just to purchase bread. Later, there were frantic fears about the UPC code being the mark. Well, I remember that weird, awkward feeling as a kid in Salina, Kansas. It was scary. And, the only time I have ever felt that feeling again, was over the past couple of years. I get that feeling everytime I see a black square on a car window that surrounds a big white "W" Thank You. Enjoy Life!

(this writing first appears in it's original form at:   http://www.scottwinchell.blogspot.com)

CULTS, WAR AND THE LOVE OF ALL

CULTS, WAR AND THE LOVE OF ALL

As typical with life, so much happens every moment that there rarely seems time to chronicle the things that I want to share with the world.  The past two weeks have brought quite a bit:  A wonderful trip to Chicago, great music, challenges of competition, dance, and the always present mortal fiber that faces each of us every moment:  Death.

Instead of dreaming of immense writings that offer volumes of prose exploring each one of these situations, I want to write a work that molds these experiences into an expression of the outcome.  That outcome is that I am a little more open to the people and the places that surround me (thank you for allowing me to borrow that line Neil Peart).   Perhaps a little less constricted by the walls of negativity and free to the possibilities of acceptance and tolerance.  I  definitely have opinions, I definitely have thoughts.  But whether you find community and fellowship within a church, synagogue, mosque, mother earth, friends, Dance World, rock concerts or with personal solace-my dream is that we can all grow in those communities without assumptions and judgement.

Community does not assume the need to have legislated rules.  It does not assume the requirement of "It's my way or the highway."  Community is like-minded and like-hearted people welcoming and building  each other up during our travels through this life.  People and friends that are together with us, without the need to degrade, judge, "send to hell," or "save" others who may not be like-minded with you. Peace and grace to everyone. Enjoy these thoughts:

 

If there is one thing that I have witnessed continually, especially over the past several weeks, it is that this universe is simply too big and perplexing to live as separated agents of our own device.  Being around unfamiliar people, places and ideas gives a person two choices:  resist with the war of ideology where the main strategy is to prove the other person wrong.  Or, live with an open heart and mind, accepting people with no assumptions.  Unfortunately, most of us resist with assumptions and judge people without knowing one thing about them.  This causes us to miss the beautiful essence of this creation:  We are all connected and in the same boat.

St. Patrick's weekend was a time where I lived in Chicago for a few hours. On Saturday,  a visit to the Museum of Contemporary Art surrounded me in an environment of people, art, thoughts and dreams.  I stepped back and just sucked the vibes of all these different people into me.  It felt good, connected and together. Although I knew no one, we were all together with no animosity, hatred, pre-judgement or need for making each other's ideas wrong.  We just, were.

A few hours later, that same day my friends and I found ourselves in a surreal setting where nearly 100,000 people joined together in voicing their support for bringing our troops home from the war in Iraq and their opinion that this war is needless.  With hundreds, possibly thousands, of Chicagoland police in full riot gear on one side of us, and the marchers on the other, we found ourselves as the only people in a sort of weird de-militarized zone, almost invisible to all in the middle of this.  What struck me is that there were no problems. People, both marchers and spectators, even the police, accepted everyone.

With acceptance, we all get along.  Removing the need to be right all the time destroys the need to build up walls between us. The purposed action of causing no harm results in a simple result where the truth is illuminated.  After all, the truth needs no defense; and it is apologetics for any philosophy that is a clear signal that something is awry with that very philosophy.

There is no institution, no war, no set of rules or doctrine that will change society.  It is the people. In 1994, Peter Drucker wrote the following in a article for The Atlantic: "It is the social transformations, like ocean currents deep below the hurricane-tormented surface of the sea, that have had the lasting, indeed the permanent, effect. They, rather than all the violence of the political surface, have transformed not only the society but also the economy, the community, and the polity we live in. "

The continued situation in Iraq will not cause betterment.  It will be social transformation that comes from the people. Yes, it is distinctly possible that a "freedom bringing" force may open doors for more of the people to be heard against tyrannical ideoligists, but ultimately, war does not bring permanent, positive, spiritual, connected change.

Spiritual change does not come with war against culture or the legislation of morality.  Bombs of belief that gut our minds with the idea of separate worlds between love and hate erode the opportunity to affect positive change.  Hate is our neighbor as much as love is our roommate. Walls will not make our neighbor go away (just look at the wars throughout history).  Love will conquer all.  But the eradication of hate will not happen by resistance to it's existence.

From an early age most of us are pronounced guilty of simply being born who we are.  We, typically through the purposed or unpurposed domestication agenda of our parents or caretakers, lock ourselves in a prison of misidentity that girds us in solitary confinement as we attempt to surrender to "heavenly"powers in an effort to receive early parole from this caged hell.  Being fed the notion that we don't belong here;  that we are 'strangers & aliens' misplaced not by purpose, but by the guilt associated with us for the crime of being born, we subscribe to monolithic dreams of golden roads paved with the warfare of armageddon rain that will bring us to a hall of victory, where we can live in a grand mansion of unearthly array forever and ever, amen.

This prison is a separate world fit perfectly with the alms of western democracy, where we are on our own to win or lose, live or die, breathe or suffocate; and whatever the outcome, "it's our own damn fault."

But we aren't created that way; separate. We are connected.  Each one of us, together in some fashion or form.  We are all in the same boat.  We can deny this all we want, but to paraphrase a recent "guru" post: "Just because the blind person say's 'the sky isn't blue' doesnt make them right."

Community, fellowship, and friendship; these types of connectedness are built outside of politics, plans and strategies. They are human things.  No institution on earth can cater to the matters of soul with programs.  In the words of my friend, Kenny, "It isn't one size fits all."  Therefore, no matter how much our institutions such as government or church try to create "programs" that fill needs, they will ultimately fall short in serving the progress of community.  Sure, good things may happen and people may be helped by these programs,  but they are pieces of a puzzle that fall morbidly short of providing the connectedness that our true being requires.

When I see faddish signs adorn the lawns of our southern bible arenas emblazoned with advertisements such as, "Divorce Recovery," or "Youth Quake," I am reminded how these are really no more than social welfare programs doled out by an industrial complex that survives by telling the domestication story I wrote about earlier in this prose.  My favorite is the billboard that reads, "Wear Jeans to Church." The assumption that "People are getting divorced, this is bad, let's fix it"  sounds very familiar to the template that purports most agressive military actions in the world.  But, the battlefield here is the soul.  And, one can find similar things in almost every organized political and religious complex; it's not just christianity.

I have no doubt in my mind that many people are helped, and find community within these programs and institutions,  just as much as I believe people are helped by welfare at some points. But, again, it isn't one size fits all.

If you find community in these types of institutions, peace to you.  I wish you nothing but fulfillment and happiness.  But please don't tell the world they have to believe like you, and hold it against them if they don't.  "But, Scott, that goes against the 'Great Commission'".  Maybe so, but that 'Great Commission' is sadly outdated, misinterpreted and comes off more like a spiritual attack on an unarmed, peaceful country.

"A human being is a part of the whole, called by us 'Universe,' a part limited in time and space.  He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a fewpersons nearest to us.  Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is initself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security." -- Albert Einstein

On a lighter note, The Cult concert in Chicago rocked.  Here are captions from the photos above that I have smattered throughout this writing:

1) The Cult played a sold out show at Chicago's Vic Theatre on St. Patrick's Day. Spun with social and spiritual consciousness and a firestorm onslaught of power, Ian Astbury and Billy Duffy did not disappoint. This was the seventh time I have been blessed to see The Cult. They are my favorite rock band, and this was definitely the most fun and satisfying Cult experience of those seven concerts.

2) Chicago, Chicago. What a great city. What great vibes and people. Sure, I only saw a very small part, but it is awesome to be around diversity and immensity. It is beautiful and intimidating at the same time.

3) War protest. March 18th saw 70,000-100,000 anti-war demonstrators march down Michigan avenue. I have never witnessed anything like this upfront and personal. This was a very surreal scene, and also very peaceful. My personal take is that people all over the world are sick and tired of out of touch folks calling the shots. Whether Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine or the U.S.A., decisions being made by corrupt governments that don't represent the people are wearing thin on people's spirits and patience.

Thank You, Scott

This post appeared this morning on my Winchell World blog:  Enjoy! 
"Ah we can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behindCause your friends don't dance and if they don't danceWell they're are no friends of mineI say, we can go where we want to, a place where they will never findAnd we can act like we come from out of this worldLeave the real one far behind,And we can dance" -"Safety Dance"-Men Without Hats
How fragile we are, yet stoic and stable we portray. Like a towering spectacle of concrete, glass and steel that hovers over a city of this world; yet one fissure, one miniscule fault can rear it's destined purpose and topple it all.

I have been taking advantage of this wonderful world of ballroom dancing. Yes, it's beginning to catch on like wildfire, but my involvement with it didn't begin with it's popularity at all. Over the past several months I have been taking lessons (Waltz, Tango, Cha-Cha, Fox Trot, Swing, Rumba, Mambo). Without a doubt, this pursuit has been the most challenging athletic venture in my life, as well as the most challenging social endeavor I have embarked upon.

Last Saturday night I went to my first "social dance". It is a great event where tons of people from all walks of life get together and practice what they have been learning in their respective worlds of dance. There are pro's, there are novices. There are singles, couples, older, younger, crazy, sane, and all other points to and fro.

People come to socialize. People come to meet new people because they are tired of the same old same old, boring social scene of their own world. People come for any number of reasons, the most common being that they just want to dance.

It is not unlike what I know a high-school dance to have been. Music, girls, the risky feeling of wondering if the girl you want to dance with will actually accept the invitation.

Now, I am a person that can literally stand in front of 10,000 people and not feel an ounce of fear. I love dealing with new, scary situations. Rejection really doesn't bother me because I feel it at some level every day of my life. I am used to it. But, for some reason, the Saturday night dance was the most panic-striking, horrifying social venture that I have experienced. New environment with none of the people from my private life. A novice dancer who has never tried any of my lessons in a public setting. The risk of rejection. No matter what all of the particulars, to dance in this setting one must have a partner. That means asking. That means the risk of rejection.

FAST FORWARD: I made it through the dance without losing my mind, and actually had a good time and felt wonderful. It was like I took the first step up a mountain to realize that it actually is possible to do reach the precipice; even if it takes one step at a time.

"Dance World," has opened up a door for me that I have been seeking the key to for years. New people with common interests. Active people who like to take risks. Fun people who's social lives are not always centered around drugs and booze. I have even made a recent comment to a friend of mine that "Dance World is my new Church." I have a teacher, go to great classes, meet new people every week with a curiosity that is fresher than the air in a Montana sky.

I went to my dance lessons during the week with new confidence and happiness. My Tuesday class was so cool and fun. My teacher, Krisa and I worked on Cha-Cha, and by the middle of my class, I was leading spinning and just having the time of my life.

I was even anticipating and looking forward to this Saturday's "social dance." I could not wait for Saturday night. Knowing nothing could stop my confidence, and just the idea that I was having more fun with dancing, and being a little less hard on myself for not being the best, I could not wait to be in that environment.

Last night, I decided that I would look nice. So I cleaned up and put on decent clothes pliable to the dance environment. I like looking nice and wearing decent, good clothes. Sometimes that is Diesel jeans and a rock band t-shirt. This night it was some dress pants and shirt. The fashion police definitely are not writing tickets for people who dress like shit, but I do this for myself. Therefore after donning my friends Perry Ellis, Kenneth Cole and Bachrach I hopped into the vehicle and headed to the Saturday night dance. Good mood, positive attitude, happiness. Absolutely no expectations of who I would meet or what would happen. I just was heading for a good time.

Upon arriving at Dance World and paying my money at the door, the next order of business is a short, 1-hour class they give to help people get some pointers and tips on one of the major dances that will be focused on at the night's dance. That night, Tango. The variety of newcomers and regulars would be brushing up on a dance that is very poignant and specific in it's presentation.

Although, I have been learning Tango for a couple of months, I don't get to practice much. Because of this I chose the "beginner" class, instead of "intermediate". The classes happen on the floor of the main ballroom (much like a roller rink floor), with the two groups splitting sides. Within seconds, I noticed that many of the people that are at the same level I am were in the "intermediate" class. But I really couldn't change at that point. Within several moments after that, I began having trouble concentrating and started to feel out of sorts.

When our teacher (an absolutely wonderful lady named Connie) began having us take partners, things really began falling apart for me. Dancing is a two person sport. There are two sides of the coin, and synchronicity, fluidity and compatibility is huge. But, no two people are alike. I am definitely not Jerry Rice or Drew Lachey; please don't hear me say this. I am new, young to dancing and by no means have any part of this mastered. But, the dance partners I got hooked with were not where I was at. Therefore, it slowed me down a bit and cut the quality and concentration of what I could do. That's not an excuse, it's just a fact.

Class continued, and I tried to glue my mind together by realizing that I needed to just focus and relax. Things went o.k., until the bomb dropped. There was a girl in our "beginner" class that I had recognized the week before, and I knew she had done the Tango before. I actually wanted to partner with her because I felt it would go smoother. So we did. And, when we hit the last pivot from Promenade, she stopped me and pointed out that my pivot was wrong. I listened, trying to figure out what I was doing. We did it again, same thing. I really didn't know what I was doing wrong. So I asked the teacher. I wasn't doing anything wrong. Nonetheless, when someone points that shit out, all hell breaks loose in my mind and the demons begin feasting on my confidence. Class was over.

Two minutes later, the dance began. Fun, great music, people. I grabbed a lady I knew from group classes and began the Tango. Within two minutes I was lost, confused and panicked. I left the dance floor ready to go home. Connie, the teacher, caught me and wouldn't let me leave. She worked with me on my Tango for a few seconds and helped restore a bit of confidence, but the damage had been done. Not by anyone else. But by me.

I got no natural rhythm
But I go dancin' every night
Hopin' one day I might get it right
I'm a dancin' fool, I'm aDancin' fool
I hear that beat; I jump outa my seat,But I can't compete,
'cause I'm aDancin' fool, I'm aDancin' fool
The disco folks all dressed upLike they's fit to killI
walk on in 'n' see 'em there
Gonna give them all a thrill
When they see me comin'They all steps aside
They has a fit while I commitMy social suicide,
I'm aDancin' fool, I'm aDancin' fool
The beat goes on
And I'm so wrong
The beat goes on
And I'm so wrong
excerpt from "Dancin' Fool" -Frank Zappa

The next 15-20 minutes of my life was spent in a living hell. The floor filled with beautiful people waltzing, rumba-ing and all other cool dances. On this night, it seemed that everyone was paired up but me, and that everyone was better than me. I had no one to dance with. My regular teacher wasn't there. Some other folks that I knew I could dance with weren't there, and I just didn't have the guns to face asking someone to dance, just to be told "no,"or to find out that I really suck and they don't want to dance with me anyway. I felt like curling up in a ball and hiding in a corner. But I didn't. I got in my car and left.

Minutes later, I spun toward the interstate and stopped. Screaming in my mind, "I'm not going to runaway like that!" I went back fully intent that I would not let my own mind and ego sabotage me with lies that aren't true; with visions that aren't real. I got back onto the floor, freaked out and left again.

When there's lightning - it always brings me down
Cause it's free and I see that it's me
Who's lost and never found
Feel the magic -feel it dancing in the air
But it's fear - and you'll hear
It calling you beware
There's no sign of the morning coming
There's no sight of the day
You've been left on your own
Like a Rainbow in the Dark
-excerpt from Dio's "Rainbow in the Dark"

Confidence shattered by lies. Fun and intent blown by the wiring and condition of my mind. The fear of rejection slicing my wrists and bleeding me dry. The fear of rejection stealing and robbing me of the sunlight that warms my soul.

How we set ourselves up to fall. How I can let so much unreality that is happening in my own mind, not "theirs" destroy all that is good. This is sin. This is the "devil." We are told the "devil did it." Well, I'm sorry but he didn't. We don't need a devil when we're really good at destroying ourselves.

Am I a horrible dancer? "No." Do people think I suck? "No." honestly, they probably don't give a rat's ass one bit about me, nor care or think that much. What do I have to fear? The own craziness in my head.

So, what's the result, what's the answer? I don't know. I do know this though. I'm going back today. I am going to the Sunday Dance this afternoon and I am going to face it.

--
Posted by Scotty Boy to Winchell World at 3/05/2006 08:35:00 AM

(The following is an entry that appeared on my Winchell World blog around Thanksgiving.  After an incredible day of getting absolutely bruised and beaten by my swaggering ego, I felt it apporpriate to share).

The Couple of Persons Inside:

Our ego. We all have one. Despite our culture's general idea that the ego is just our attitude, pride, or cockiness, the ego is actually much much more. Think of the ego as a split personality, which is a part of our total personality. It's not moving out, God's not going to take it away. The ego is a permanent resident of your life.

With that being said, my ego has been doing a number on me as of late. On one side, the ego tells me I am not good enough, and on the other it tells me to live with wreckless abandon. The ego's sole purpose with all of us is simple: To keep us from ourselves. As long as the ego is active and we aren't paying attention, the ego wins.

This situation basically reflects most of society. We are walking zombies projecting personalities that have nothing to do with who we actually are. Layer upon layer of assumptions, lies, fear and just outright non-reality have masked ourselves to the world where we are almost on a permanent trick or treat ride with our lives.

Who are we? More importantly, who are you? What is that part of you that is beyond form, beyond the noise in your brain, beyond the storyline you tell yourself every moring about who you think you should be?

Are you living right now? Are you even in attendance of your life at this present moment, or is your mind taking you on a ride in a future that doesn't exist, based on a past that is gone as well.

Consider the people and places that surround you. Consider that this very moment, second, millisecond is all that you got. Are you here?

Happy Thanksgiving.

Scott

NO AUTHORITY IS HIGHER THAN REALITY

Enough said:

Truth isn't a matter of your personal viewpoint. Learn to see things as they really are,not as you imagine they are. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or who says it. No matter what you believe, it never changes the facts.If they are there, the facts always speak for themselves. The truth does not change because it is, or is not,believed by a majority of people. If sixty million people say a foolish thing,it's still a foolish thing.

The sky is no less blue because the blind man does not see it.

Thanks to the Daily Guru for this timely wisdom. ©2006 by Max SteingartReproduce freely but maintain © notice

Denial is a wonderful apparatus to dull our senses to the humanity of our heroes. 

It also works as an elixir for the pain we create by trusting our thought process and consciousness to people & philosophies that are in the same exact boat as us.   And, conspiracy and error exist. 

For an example of this axiom,  one must look no further than Anychurch USA when a member of clergy or staff falls from some sort of "sin" and no matter how "damning" the evidence, there are still people who won't believe it's true.  

We set ourselves up for the fall by putting someone in a place with expectations that are so far from who we were created to be that it is impossible to live up to them.  Yet, when that person doesn't live up, we don't believe it, still wanting them to live to that expectation, and denial kicks in.

I don't mean to pick on the church, but it's an easy target.  So are friendships, families, career circles, and the largest target ever:  Ourselves.

Churches divide, families split, friends grow distant, countries war; all because of denial.

But, where does denial breed?  And what is a preventative measure from even having to use this coping mechanism.  My simple theory is that denial breeds from early domestication into a mind-set of beliefs that sets humans on a path of ideology and closedmindedness.  My simple answer is that we should accept people unconditionally as they are with no expectations and realize we are in the same boat.

But that's kind of difficult with centuries of storylines, dogma and tradition in every corner of our life that strangle commonsense  like it's a criminal dangling from a hangman's noose. 

It is easier to believe what we have always "just believed because it's true" than to open our hearts and souls to the possibility that although we are all uniquely different and beautiful, we are all connected and in the same boat. 

Concretizing belief is the first step to intolerance and a great, purposeful step toward setting a person up for disappointment.  And upon disappointment, the medicine of denial will kick in.

Anyone on earth can be wrong at any time simply because the ground is not solid.  As much concrete as one thinks exists, as good as it may get is "wet cement." 

We cause ourselves great pain and discomfort by wanting things to be like we think and believe they should be.  The issue with this is that things aren't like we think and believe they should be.  The universe is full of beauty and everyone of us lives a different story while interpreting  the world through our own eyes and minds. 

Unity, compassion, love and peace breed from the breaking chains of belief and ideology.  Beauty is intrinsic to all of us and everything, but it is not justified or defined by doctrine, ideology, belief or a business model with a cross at it's heart.

More later.

I will definitely write more about this later, but before I head out to my swing and foxtrot lesson I want to jot down a couple of thoughts before they evaporate into thin air.

More and more I am feeling the groundswell regarding "open source" culture.  Linux, Wikipedia, etc........ The idea that there actually is a threshold to where ownership rights can be counterproductive to a growing, evolving society.  It is interesting to me that one of the only spiritual practices that illicits separation is mainstream, white american evangelism.  It pretty much practices that you are on your own, yet trying to maintain the object of community in word (but not deed).

More later.....